Today, I am Ungrateful

I am angry, and I want to shout it from the rooftops!
I am angry that I work 50 plus hours a week.
I am angry that I don't have the money for the things I want, and sometimes even for the things I need.
I am angry that I am in a place that I can't get ample help provided to my son.
I am angry that as a society we don't take more of a proactive approach to mental illness.
I am angry at my own physical limitations.
I am angry that my family is healthy and taking things for granted.

I want to scream it all at the top of my lungs out loud.

I am angry at my husband for only working 25 hours a week.
I am angry that he won't help with more of the housework.
I am angry that when I share my feelings I am picking a fight.
I am angry he gets to be with the kids more than me.


I am angry at myself for getting to this point.
I am angry that I haven't made time for me.
I am angry that I am angry.
I am angry that I'm putting my laundry out in the universe.
I am angry that I can't seem to force myself to ask for help even when it is offered.
I am angry at myself for wasting my time doing for others what they choose not to do.

I am just so freaking angry today.

I am angry that my husband is sitting at the computer instead of listening to how I feel, because I feel taken for granted.
I am angry that I have to ask the man-child to help out around the house.
I am even more angry when after asking he still doesn't do it.
I am angry that my daughter has developed the habit of blaming me for her not getting things accomplished./

I am angry at my best friend for asking me why if I am so unhappy that I don't just leave.

I want to allow myself to be angry for a minute.
I want to be selfish for just a day.
For just one day before someone under this roof acts I want them to think, how would this make mom feel?
I want to be the selfish person that I am so often accused of being.
I want to come first for someone.
I don't want to have to make time, I want to be provided with time.
I want my son to get the help he deserves.
I want the help that I deserve.
I want someone to listen to my feelings.

When I think about what I want, I feel guilty that I am not grateful for what I have.
I have 4 children who are all verbal.
I have a husband that if here with his kids.
I have a job.
I have a roof.
I have good.
I have luxuries that others don't.
I am alive.
I am managing.

But even with all that I am allowed to stumble.
I am allowed to do so without feeling like a terrible person.
I am allowed to want.
I am allowed to need.
I am allowed to feel sorry for myself.
I am allowed to let the green eyed dragon raise its head once in a while.

Today, in this moment I am allowed to be ungrateful. I can be thankful for everything I have in just a bit. I'm throwing my pity party for one, and no one else was invited. It was just for me. And I am going to wallow in my self loathing feelings for a minute.